Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has been out for quite a while but I had never gotten around to reading it. I’m glad that I have now. If you’re not familiar with the material, the premise is that there are five basic ways people feel love. These are what Chapman calls love languages and they are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
All of us have at least one of these which is primary for us. We feel love more strongly in that manner. For instance, if receiving a compliment from your spouse really makes your day, then words of affirmation is probably your primary love language. On the other hand, if it’s when your spouse takes the time to wrangle up the kids so you can sleep in on a lazy weekend morning, then your primary love language is probably acts of service.
Not only do we feel love in one of these primary ways, but we tend to express love in one of these ways, too. For most, we express love the way we feel it. For others, it’s learned behavior, most likely from our parents. So if our primary love language is quality time but we grew up in a household where mom and dad were always serving one another, we might have learned acts of service as the primary way we express love.
Chapman talks about these concepts as well as our capacity to feel loved and what we do when we have felt loved for some time and what we stop doing when we feel neglected. Often times, if we feel neglected and unloved, it’s hard to respond in a loving way. The catch here is that our spouse might have been doing their level best to express love in the way they see it, but we’re like two ships passing in the night. And so there is guidance on how to discover each other’s primary love language as well as how to begin speaking it, if that’s the way we intuitively express our loves.
Finally, Chapman clears up that “in love” period and explains what research says about it, why it can overcome so many faults, and why, when it ends, we can suddenly be faced with someone we thought we knew but realize we don’t. This is a good set of knowledge to pass on to any couple considering marriage, who are newly wedded, or who have passed that initial infatuation stage into the reality of a life together where not everything is perfect.
If you believe in strong relationships and you’ve not read this book, I’d recommend it. While you may not agree with everything in it, Chapman does provide good advice on how to consider your significant other and work towards doing the things that make them feel loved. The suggestions he gives are invaluable and come from years of counseling experience as well as his own experience in marriage.
